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After lunch, my mother handed us our baskets, and we went out back to the farm with other Sun Girls. Josie and I were on berry duty that afternoon.
CHERRY PLAYER REVIEW SKIN
Who were we to deny God’s power? His holy light? Who were we to be embarrassed of the love he burned down on us? He loved us so much that he basked the entire planet in sunlight, grew our crops and warmed our skin and fed our brains. But we were not supposed to be ashamed of Sunshine. I wondered what she thought of us and felt ashamed. I stared at the cat while I chanted and moaned. The sun was relentless, the scent of sweaty bodies unmistakable. The commune cat, Good Girl, hopped onto the fence as we prayed over Charity. The older women always over exaggerated though the kids were taught to pray in this same, dramatic way, most of us were coming of age and felt embarrassed around each other-because, really, somewhere in Sunshine was the person we’d marry. We chanted over Charity’s body splayed in the grass, the cows grazing and shitting just a few feet away. God is merciful, God is plentiful, God is beautiful. Charity was eighteen, and was proclaimed pregnant by Leland, who announced he had consulted God on his new wife’s womb. My disappearance was one month after Charity’s wedding, and I was thirteen years old. Charity was the oldest, then Atlas, the oldest brother, then Matthew, Dana Jean, me and River, Josie, and the youngest, Apollo. When I left, I had three sisters and four brothers. I had believed, no matter how reckless he could be, that River would live it with me. I wanted the long life in light that Leland always promised. Anything past the ranch was forbidden, corrupt, ungodly. River once told me about a book on something called Christianity, and I insisted that it was a fairytale. Leland was the Sun God, he was Helios incarnate, and God was the Sun and the Sun was our God. I did my chores and said my prayers and tried my very best to not give into any temptation. I was ugly, and my family made sure to let me know that River was not.
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I had a soft jawline, crooked teeth, an odd-shaped face. They questioned me when they finished interrogating him, but for once I didn’t know what River did to get himself in such a situation. I imagined something similar was the case for the music player Leland found. I asked where he got them, and he lied, said God led him there as a gift for the hard work we had done the previous morning, which was, of course, scraping horse shit from stable floors until our shoulders cramped. He brought back food I’d never seen in my life, sweets wrapped in bright colored plastic and canned drinks with bubbles that felt like electricity when I gulped them down.
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When we were nine, he snuck off the ranch and went into town on foot. He was loud and abrasive, an arguer, always looking for the next mess to start, the next trouble to cause. We were twins, fraternal and complete opposites in looks and personality. We were allowed no sunscreen when we went outside, and we were always outside. My mother was in her best dress, floor length, long sleeved, sugar white. Leland watched as one of his brothers bumped away in the jalopy the Sun People shared, River in the backseat with his eyes on mine as he got smaller and smaller. The morning of Leland and Charity’s wedding day, my twin brother River was banished for having a music player in his dresser drawer. Charity was ditzy with a thin waist and large chest you could even see it underneath the baggy dresses we girls wore. They were going to have nine children, he said, because nine was a holy number even though I found no proof of this. Leland was marrying my older sister, Charity. He walked with a cane with a carving of the sun at the top, but I remember several times I caught him off guard with no cane, his yellow and white robes replaced by casual pajama pants and a T-shirt. Leland wasn’t paralyzed, and I could never verify if the story was true. I thought he was ugly, but everyone in Sunshine thought he was the most handsome man God created. He was tall and skinny with stringy, brown hair down to his elbows. Leland was my fifty-something-year-old distant cousin. He realized that God was the sun, and the sun was God. This came from a freak accident in college that should have left him paralyzed Leland said he prayed to the sun as it blared over his torn flesh, that the burn of it felt like religion. We really called ourselves Sunshine, and each individual was a Sun Person, the collective the Sun People. Townspeople called it Manure Ranch, because the stench of cow shit made everyone in the commune stink. I disappeared from the ranch in the summer, but every day was summer on the ranch.